2010

heyyy!!! it's already Feb 2010!! i haven't posted here in a while and found myself in need of procrastinating some on this beautiful snowy day... so here I am. lol :)

I have a lot of goals and interests and ideas that I want to post on here... to keep myself in check and also to share w/ anyone that might still happen to read this and of course to go back and read at later dates. :) <--- that is always fun!! I miss blogging. it was my sanity... I really enjoyed all the other blogs I used to read and all the friends I've made along the way... i want to get back into blogging on a regular basis. I think I need it since I can't afford therapy. lol

So one of my things that I really want to do is get on a schedule for EVERYTHING in my life... really I'm serious. So.. if anyone has any ideas, or tips for me please feel free to leave a comment.. I know that not all of life can be planned out and accounted for, but I'd like to get more organized w/ my time and life so let me know what you think.

xoxoxo

12/2009

so today i'm cleaning and moving some last little things around. getting ready for the NEW YEARS party!! I'm excited, and hoping for NO drama. but some how that doesn't seem possible. we shall see. I hope it just goes smooth, like the Patron all night. ;)
i know i should probably clean my house like this all the time, not just for a party, but really, what would be the fun in that?? lol
yesterday I moved the playroom downstairs and our bedroom upstairs to the playroom, I'm loving it and the kids are loving it too. for now it's working out PERFECT!! we are also moving the computer up to our room, so that will be cool... except for when I want to be on the computer all night playing Bejeweled and Bryan wants to sleep... UGH. we'll have to work that out... although he is way more cranky than I am, so he'll probably win. lol
things are coming along well, and happily, surprisingly the kids are being pretty good... they were EXCELLENT yesterday!! it was AWESOME and I told them a few times how great they were being and thanked them. hey. some times you need that. :) I know I like to be told when I'm doing great and thanked for it. Bryan sort of did that yesterday when he came home, but he was also not too happy that I moved all that stuff by myself up and down the stairs. It's okay, I'm a toughie and I did okay. :) Nice that he was concerned though.
tonight I'm going to finish cleaning and once the kids are in bed, I'm going to work on some HW. I haven't done ANY this break yet, although it hasn't felt like much of a break just yet, each day we have done SOMETHING... but that's okay, I like doing stuff. I wish Bryan had more time off, like the whole time the kids and I are off, but it doesn't work that way. :( oh well. We all go back on Monday and that is also my FIRST day of clinical, and although I was calm as could be for orientation and going over stuff in class and all that, for some reason now, I'm freakin' out! lol ~ not totally freakin', but a little nervous. oh well. i guess that's good. we'll see. I have one client all day... so how bad can i do?? DON'T answer that please!!
I have worked with people before, I love people, most of the time, I am a people person. :) I can do this. I just have to get my confidence into action and I'm sure it'll be okay. I think honestly what I'm most concerned or anxious about is the paper work, not really the one on one w/ my client/resident, that i think i've got in the bag. ~ well maybe I shouldn't say it that way, doesn't sound too good when we are talking about a person. lol ~ anyway, the paper work is confusing as hell to me, and honestly I just don't want to mess it up, although they say that we will ALL mess it up, I just don't want to!! (yes, i'm having a fit!)
so anyway, i'm going to try to go as prepared as possible and see how it goes. we'll see. :) for now I should just get back to clean the "man cave" which I think should either be called a different name, or be cleaned by the "man" lol ~ tomorrow I'm off to run some errands and pay some debts, can't wait!!
I'll probably be back... b/c we all know I'm the queen of procrastination!!! :)

wanting to clean the house and just get things done, but have no desire to do anything. ~ ugh. wasting some time here, but really have nothing to say.... i guess it means that i should just get up and clean. lol

ugh.

ugh. my house is TRASHED. there is not one single room that is neat and orderly!! it's killing me. i spend sooo much effing time cleaning and it never shows. not even a little bit. I'm just so sick of it. the playroom is completely a wreck, i try to ignore it though bc it's the playroom and that is what Bryan says it's for, the kids to play in and who cares how it looks. then there is the kitchen... there are Lego's all over the floor that the kids want to "safe" and not put away bc they are playing with them... but they have been there since Thursday night... I'm sick of seeing them, and I'm sick of cleaning them up myself... there are also magnets from off the fridge all over the floor and the food pantry looks like a bomb went off in there! ugh!!!
the dog just peed on the living room carpet, which was also covered in all the blankets off the couch & chair and in the basket bc the kids had them all out along with a mess of toys that they had in there... ~ you can barely see the floor... there is popcorn remnants all over the couch and dog hair too. it's gross!! the kids rooms are TRASHED!! whatever. the bathroom is a mess, full of Barbies and ponies and all kinds of toys in the bath, wash clothes and a hand towel SOAKED on the counter, and toothpaste every where, the garbage is full of crumpled tissues bc the girls have to "blow their nose" every five seconds, although they don't really blow their nose, they are just wasting tissues and making a mess!!
there is laundry to do, still. beds to be made, laundry to be folded and put away, the dogs crate stunk so i had to wash her stuff, I'm just so sick of it all. there is never a break. I'm going crazy. i know, i know, don't sweat the small stuff, but this isn't small, this is an entire house, that i have to continuously clean, and if i stop for even a second then it is trashed all over again and it looks like HELL!! on top of all this i have HW, three chapters due tomorrow and who knows what else, some Math, i think, ugh. and then dinner. I just want to give up. I want to go lay in my bed, put on the tv *that Bryan hasn't hooked up yet, and just lay there and do NOTHING!! I want to not have a care in the world. I'm so done for today. and really i have just started. ugh. ~
i try to get the kids to clean up but they don't. i threaten to throw away their stuff and they say go ahead, probably bc i haven't done it yet. but I'm thinking today might be the day. ~ I've got no patients, a messy house and a box of garbage bags.
i hope i make it through today. i really do.

what is next?

what does it mean when someone tells you this??

i'm not happy. i have a good life. good family. good friends. but i'm not happy.
i'm always sad. i'm always mad, angry in a bad, horrible mood. if i do find something to make me happy, it doesn't last long. i'm always tired. i don't want to do anything. most of the time i have a headache. life isn't this bad. but for some reason i just can't seem to find the good. to be happy any more.

is there changes they need to make? if so what do you encourage them to change or revise in their life. is there anything you can do? is there anything they can do? what is the next step?

Is It Ever Okay To Cheat?

Is there ever a time that it's sort of, a little tiny bit, make an exception, turn a blind eye and cheat?? I have been struggling with this question myself. Last weekend, I worked on my homework on Saturday and Sunday being careful to do a really good job, striving for that 100. I felt good. I had read and re-read the chapter, I had studied and knew my stuff. I got to class on Monday morning (different class than I usually am in because of the kids being sick with the flu and my gracious parents being able to miss work to watch them for me) :) and everyone is talking about HW chapter 38. Well hell, I had done chapter 35! shit! What to do now. UGH!! My face got flushed. I was feeling so hot, and for some reason tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't believe that I had worked so hard on the WRONG homework! I was upset and disappointed and so frustrated with myself, and to top it all off, I was going to get a ZERO! Great. That will average in so nicely to my GPA. I just felt like giving up and going home. The girl next to me Erika, so sweet as she was, said, "do it now. you have a few minutes. try, it wasn't that hard" but I hadn't read the chapter at all, I had no idea what any of it was, and at that time, I couldn't think. My head hurt, my throat was burning my eyes were holding back tears, and I just was so upset. She slid her book closer to mine and said "here... "
I looked around the room. I looked at her. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt this horrible tug-of-war in my head, should I? shouldn't I? What was the right thing to do? It wasn't like I had just not done the homework, it wasn't like I hadn't worked my butt off, but it was my responsibility to make sure I did the RIGHT homework, and I hadn't... what to do, what to do??
I said "thank you so much. I owe you!!" and I copied. I got a 90 and not a zero.
I'm still so unsure how I feel about this. Cheating is cheating. Cheating is wrong. way wrong. BUT, for some reason I can totally justify it in my head. I have three sick children at home. I did do my own work, just the wrong work. I hadn't been slacking, I just made a simple mistake, I wouldn't cheat just because I was being lazy or on a test or quiz or anything like that. It was a homework, it was semi-wrong to do, but I haven't done it before and hopefully will NOT do it again.
So then the battle that begins inside me now is why don't I feel so horribly wrong for cheating on my homework?? Why can I sort of justify it to myself? & How do I ever really thank Erika for saving me all that self-anger and frustration??
I did come home and read chapter 38 ~ did the questions myself and studied it all... I Aced the test on it too. I did put in my time, I just didn't do it at the right time. ~ I did learn a lesson, that I have to double check my calendar to make sure I'm doing the right homework. And, honestly I really triple check it and sometimes more, and made a list in order of the homework chapters I have to do and triple checked that too!
So do you think there is ever a time when cheating is okay?