Friday, December 14, 2007

blue or not really blue... not really.

****This post has a lot of twists and turns and it is true rambling at its best, or I should say its worst... just to let you know you may or may not want to con't.... I'm not even going to proof read it before I post it, so I'm not sure how it turned out... or if it even makes sense to someone other than me... and it only will make sense to me, because I'm the one just typing away! If you aren't going to turn back now... then good luck and thank you for you support!*****
Blue. That used to be my favorite color for a long time. Well at least it was what I would say was my favorite color, I'm not sure it really even was. I do like that color though... well for certain things, not for clothing for myself most of the time, and I wouldn't want blue shoes, or nail polish, or hair, but anyway... Blue. I guess that is how I'm feeling these last few days. Ironically it suits all my feelings, well most. I'm blue, because I have been feeling a little bit depressed about things, and I'm also blue because I'm freezing and sick of cold weather already! (trying a little humor here)

I guess many of my feelings are guilty and confused feelings more than anything else. I guess. I have been missing having a job and "outside contact" since I stopped working 4 years ago. Not that I regret my choice to stay home with Trevor, but it was a big change for me, I had always worked. Before I was even old enough to have working papers, I babysat and did other things to make money and have some independence and responsibility. As soon as I was old enough to get working papers, I started to work as a secretary at the real estate office my mom worked in at the time. She worked week days and I would work on the weekends, at first only one day a weekend, then sometimes bothd days. Then I had expanded to many other jobs, I worked in Hallmark... they were psychos and it was a HORRIBLE job, but it was an experience none the less. I worked in dental offices, as receptionists and also as a dental assistant, and I worked for an insurance agency, and was a short order cook and bar maid. I loved all these different challenges and experiences. I am a true people person... I mean sure when I'm shopping in the mall with my kids and the 20th plus person comes up and says something "cute" (a nice way of saying STUPID-ass comment) about my twins, and/or Trevor or the three of them, or how I "got" twins, I'm not so much the people person. But, aside from that, I love to talk to new people and meet new people and just be out around people. I loved the friends that I had at the last place I worked before I had Trevor, and still do love the, but rarely keep in contact with them, because, well because I'm lame about it. I don't know why, but I just don't make a good enough effort to talk to them on a regular basis. I guess it is much easier to stay in touch with each others lives when you see each other 5 days a week! I'm totally slacking with staying in touch with anyone, even really close friends. Just one of those things I can't explain. I would love to be more on top of it and call them and get together with them, but I just haven't done it. Lame! Lame! Very lame!

I miss working! I really do. It has been 4 yrs 2 months & 20 days! Not that I have been counting. And, really I haven't been. I knew it was about 4 yrs since Trevor is 4 years old, obviously, but I haven't really thought about how long it has really been. By the time I do go back to work, or at least work full time, it will be 7 years since I was in the functioning working world. I know I will feel out of place and awkward at first, like beginning a brand new job... but I am really looking forward to that same independence I had when I was 16. I miss having a life outside of home, I miss eating lunch out and going to the bank and I miss doing my job. I loved being a dental assistant! I miss all the little things that I couldn't wait to leave behind to stay at home with my new baby! I miss the friendly patients and the ones that were regulars I miss the snacks they would sometimes bring in for us, and all the holiday treats we would get... I miss Christmas parties, and birthday parties, and getting breakfast from the bagel bakery and ordering in and eating all day, and taking x-rays and I even miss running them and then mounting them, and I miss when we would have someone cancel last minute or not show up and get a few minutes to just hang out and talk, I miss the smell of the cavicide and the way the office didn't smell like a dental office to me any more because I was used to it... and I miss the confidance I had in knowing my job and being really good at it... (as a mom I am constantly second guessing myself, and although I know I do the best for my kids, I know in my heart I could really do a LOT better, and I should try a hell of a lot harder to do that! I should feed them healthier, and read to them more and do more one on one time with each of them, and yell less and hug then and kiss then even more than I do now... and let them know just how prefect they really are and how proud I am of them, and how proud I am to be thier mom! I know I do these things, but I could do them more and I could really try to do a better job at being a mom, there is always room for improvement with anything... and motherhood/partenting should be top of the list to work on... these are my children, I want all the VERY BEST for them) and trips to the gas station to drop about 10 bucks each buying junk food by the pounds and scratch offs. lol And, I miss the ordering and cleaning and even the nagging patients, and filing and answering phones occasionally and I miss all the laughs we used to have, the laugh so hard you were crying and your cheeks and sides were burning. I miss it all. At, the same time, though I feel guilty as hell for missing it. Not that I would ever choose that over my children. I wouldn't. Obviously. But, honestly it really isn't a choice to me. I had these babies because I wanted them sooo very badly. I wanted to be pregnant and I wanted to have children, and I always knew that I wanted to stay home with them. I just always did. I didn't know for sure if financially I could stay home with them, but thankfully I am. I love every minute of the time I'm home with them, there may be stressful, crazy, hectic times, but I love them too. These are amazing years in my children's lives and I know that if I miss them now, I will never be able to get them back. I don't want to leave them and go to work... I would never be able to do that. I would be the most miserable person ever, I would miss them so much and feel so horrible for leaving them. But, at the same time I wish I could have my cake and eat it too! I wish I could have both lives. Of course, the live I would choose first is having my children and staying home to raise them! Hands down, without a doubt, no second guessing, not even a little bit, I would choose my children. And, I know that one day I will be back in the working world, and I will long for these days of laughter, hugs & kisses and nap times and watching them play and learn and change and growing up right before my very eyes. I am truly blessed to be able to enjoy my children every day, all day, I know that and I'm so thankful for that. I am.

I am also jealous of the friends that I have that are working right now, while I'm sitting here with my pj's still on and my kids playing around me, bringing me toys to look at and hugs and showing me the cool things they can do with their toy, and I'm happy and I am grateful, but at the same time I'm jealous! I'm not sure I understand what all these feeling are. Or, I guess I understand them, but I am not quite sure why they are all here. I'm happy. I do have a good life. I believe all this. I'm not trying to convince anyone of it. I love my children, I love Bryan, I love my family & friends... all of that is true. I laugh and have fun, I have girls nights out, I hang out with friends, I go shopping, we eat out, we spend money, we have nice things, we have whatever we need and pretty much what we want too! I'm satisfied with my life. I am grateful and know what I have and really appreciate it. At the same time I feel that I am gracious and kind, so I feel well rounded. I have had a lot of life experiences and done a lot of things before I had children, that is not part of it. Don't get me wrong there are still a lot of things that I want to still do in life and see and experience, of course, if you run out of things you desire in life then what is the point of living. I will get to all the those things before my days are done, and they will be even more spectacular because I will be able to share those wonders and experiences with my children, I will be able to give them some things to add to their list of life journeys.

I know this post doesn't make any sense. I keep going back and forth on topics. One minute I'm saying that I'm blue... which I guess I'm not really blue... I guess really I've just got a lot of thoughts in my mind and I just wasn't really sure what they all meant and in turn what exactly I was feeling. ~I just changed the title of this post... there is no reason really for me to be blue. I guess this is really not a post as much as it is just a place for me to sort out my thoughts and feelings... and I think I've got it.

I do miss working, and having a job outside of the house and I miss my friends from work and I miss what I used to do as a dental assistant and I miss the fun, and the outings and the social part of it all and I can't deny I miss the paycheck, all around I guess I miss the independence of it all. I also, love my children, I love each and every one of them, and I love that I can hug and kiss them at any point during the day, with the exception of Trevor, because he is at pre-k ~ which is hard for me and I have another amazing discovery ~ this one about pre-k and Trevor and all that... but I will save that for another post... but still I'm with my children the most that I possibly could be, and I love it. I am getting all this time with them that I will never be able to have again. This minute is already over, and it won't be back again... they are only going to be this little once and learn all these things for the first time one time... and thankfully I'm here for every one of those moments in their lives! I have been there for all of their first smiles, laughs, rolling over, cooing, crawling, babbling, standing up, steps, words, hugs, kisses, saying "I Love You", for tucking them in at nap time and kissing them before bed, I have been there for most of their meals and all of there boo-boos! I won't be able to be with them for all their firsts, but at least I'm there for all the ones I can be there for!
So with all this said/typed, and all the rambling I have done and thinking out loud, I guess maybe I feel better and really should not have any guilty feelings for the things that I miss in my life before my children, because although I miss them, it doesn't at all mean I regret my children or staying home with them... it just means that I am human and I would like my cake and to eat it too! I also, wanted to say that being a stay-at-home-mom is a LOT harder then I thought it would be... for many reasons... almost too many to list, but there are a lot of reasons, but I wouldn't change being a stay-at-home-mom for anything! (not even a 6+ figure salary, really!) My day will come and when it does, I will be typing on this blog only every so often and I will be complaining out my job and how much I dislike it and wish I could be home more often and how much I miss my children... ahhhhh... I guess you are never completely done wanting or wishing for something... again that is what makes life... life!
Thank you to any and all of you that have reached this part of my post... I give you a huge round of applause and thank you for sticking with me through all this anguish and discussion in my own head, that just spilled out on to the computer screen!
Also, feel free to leave some nice comments... although I'm good with my feelings now and can deal with constructive criticism well and don't really care if someone has something not so nice to say... I really don't need to be judged by anyone else, I do enough of that myself~ so keep the negative comments to yourself please, and thank you!


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