ugh.

ugh. my house is TRASHED. there is not one single room that is neat and orderly!! it's killing me. i spend sooo much effing time cleaning and it never shows. not even a little bit. I'm just so sick of it. the playroom is completely a wreck, i try to ignore it though bc it's the playroom and that is what Bryan says it's for, the kids to play in and who cares how it looks. then there is the kitchen... there are Lego's all over the floor that the kids want to "safe" and not put away bc they are playing with them... but they have been there since Thursday night... I'm sick of seeing them, and I'm sick of cleaning them up myself... there are also magnets from off the fridge all over the floor and the food pantry looks like a bomb went off in there! ugh!!!
the dog just peed on the living room carpet, which was also covered in all the blankets off the couch & chair and in the basket bc the kids had them all out along with a mess of toys that they had in there... ~ you can barely see the floor... there is popcorn remnants all over the couch and dog hair too. it's gross!! the kids rooms are TRASHED!! whatever. the bathroom is a mess, full of Barbies and ponies and all kinds of toys in the bath, wash clothes and a hand towel SOAKED on the counter, and toothpaste every where, the garbage is full of crumpled tissues bc the girls have to "blow their nose" every five seconds, although they don't really blow their nose, they are just wasting tissues and making a mess!!
there is laundry to do, still. beds to be made, laundry to be folded and put away, the dogs crate stunk so i had to wash her stuff, I'm just so sick of it all. there is never a break. I'm going crazy. i know, i know, don't sweat the small stuff, but this isn't small, this is an entire house, that i have to continuously clean, and if i stop for even a second then it is trashed all over again and it looks like HELL!! on top of all this i have HW, three chapters due tomorrow and who knows what else, some Math, i think, ugh. and then dinner. I just want to give up. I want to go lay in my bed, put on the tv *that Bryan hasn't hooked up yet, and just lay there and do NOTHING!! I want to not have a care in the world. I'm so done for today. and really i have just started. ugh. ~
i try to get the kids to clean up but they don't. i threaten to throw away their stuff and they say go ahead, probably bc i haven't done it yet. but I'm thinking today might be the day. ~ I've got no patients, a messy house and a box of garbage bags.
i hope i make it through today. i really do.

what is next?

what does it mean when someone tells you this??

i'm not happy. i have a good life. good family. good friends. but i'm not happy.
i'm always sad. i'm always mad, angry in a bad, horrible mood. if i do find something to make me happy, it doesn't last long. i'm always tired. i don't want to do anything. most of the time i have a headache. life isn't this bad. but for some reason i just can't seem to find the good. to be happy any more.

is there changes they need to make? if so what do you encourage them to change or revise in their life. is there anything you can do? is there anything they can do? what is the next step?

Is It Ever Okay To Cheat?

Is there ever a time that it's sort of, a little tiny bit, make an exception, turn a blind eye and cheat?? I have been struggling with this question myself. Last weekend, I worked on my homework on Saturday and Sunday being careful to do a really good job, striving for that 100. I felt good. I had read and re-read the chapter, I had studied and knew my stuff. I got to class on Monday morning (different class than I usually am in because of the kids being sick with the flu and my gracious parents being able to miss work to watch them for me) :) and everyone is talking about HW chapter 38. Well hell, I had done chapter 35! shit! What to do now. UGH!! My face got flushed. I was feeling so hot, and for some reason tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't believe that I had worked so hard on the WRONG homework! I was upset and disappointed and so frustrated with myself, and to top it all off, I was going to get a ZERO! Great. That will average in so nicely to my GPA. I just felt like giving up and going home. The girl next to me Erika, so sweet as she was, said, "do it now. you have a few minutes. try, it wasn't that hard" but I hadn't read the chapter at all, I had no idea what any of it was, and at that time, I couldn't think. My head hurt, my throat was burning my eyes were holding back tears, and I just was so upset. She slid her book closer to mine and said "here... "
I looked around the room. I looked at her. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt this horrible tug-of-war in my head, should I? shouldn't I? What was the right thing to do? It wasn't like I had just not done the homework, it wasn't like I hadn't worked my butt off, but it was my responsibility to make sure I did the RIGHT homework, and I hadn't... what to do, what to do??
I said "thank you so much. I owe you!!" and I copied. I got a 90 and not a zero.
I'm still so unsure how I feel about this. Cheating is cheating. Cheating is wrong. way wrong. BUT, for some reason I can totally justify it in my head. I have three sick children at home. I did do my own work, just the wrong work. I hadn't been slacking, I just made a simple mistake, I wouldn't cheat just because I was being lazy or on a test or quiz or anything like that. It was a homework, it was semi-wrong to do, but I haven't done it before and hopefully will NOT do it again.
So then the battle that begins inside me now is why don't I feel so horribly wrong for cheating on my homework?? Why can I sort of justify it to myself? & How do I ever really thank Erika for saving me all that self-anger and frustration??
I did come home and read chapter 38 ~ did the questions myself and studied it all... I Aced the test on it too. I did put in my time, I just didn't do it at the right time. ~ I did learn a lesson, that I have to double check my calendar to make sure I'm doing the right homework. And, honestly I really triple check it and sometimes more, and made a list in order of the homework chapters I have to do and triple checked that too!
So do you think there is ever a time when cheating is okay?

~thank God for a blog!

i'm sitting here with tears welling up in my eyes. i'm having a really rough day. ~ i was yelling all morning at the kids, and now have to go off to school instead of staying at their school and doing fun things with them, that i should be there for.

i thought i'd let them sleep in and i'd drive them to school instead of them taking the bus, which comes at 8 AM, not that early but we get up around 7 to get ready in time. ~ well first we couldn't find Lauren's lunch bag, then nobody wanted to wear what i had out for them, it was one fight after another, about everything. breakfast, what they wanted for lunch, clothes, brushing teeth, washing hands and faces, what shoes, putting shoes on, coats, everything. i'm drained. and the worst part is, i yelled pretty much all morning. how horrible. :( on the way to school i apologized and we fixed things, but still not a good morning for any of us, I'm sure.

then i take Trevor to school, he is okay and happy, and the girls are just miserable. they cried the entire way to the truck... i'm not even sure what they were fussing about. :( ~ but we get in the truck, put the music up, sing and dance and be silly, things are looking okay. we get to the school, they don't want to go. not even Brooke, who LOVES school and has NEVER not wanted to go... ugh. my heart is breaking. i get them out. they go in the school they are both really clingy. they are doing trunk-or-treating at their school today... i cant be there. i can't help out. can't decorate my truck and give candy, i can't even go with them... bc i have school. :( mommy guilt has set in BIG TIME. then they don't want to wear their costumes, or do anything. they just want to go home. :( i'm sure they are fine now, but still my heart is breaking.

sometimes, i have a really hard time with wondering if i'm making the right choices in my life, or even just making good choices. who knows what is right.... but we do know good from bad, right? school is good. i guess. it's taking a lot of time away from my family and mostly my kids. i feel it. i'm sure they feel it. who is it going to benefit? how will it benefit them? i'm stressed. i'm lost. i want to go get my kids from school, take them to lunch and chase them on the playground. i want to bring them home and make Halloween decorations and make cookies and watch movies all snuggled up together.

i miss my kiddies. ~ and i'm absolutely horrible for yelling all morning. :( that is probably the part that is killing me the most. guilt. i hope they are having a good day. i hope they aren't upset and feeling crummy. i hope they have today. making scarecrows, and trunk-or-treating. ~ i'll be counting down the minutes till i can go get them later. :)

for now, i'm going to go wash my face, try to get myself pulled together and then head off to school... is this the right choice??????????????????????????????????????????????????

beach day yesterday. Sandy Hook, NJ. had a GREAT day.
went with the fam, of course, and also Jason, it was his 21st bday, Kristin, Sabryna, Alyssa & Richie. we had a lot fun, sun and SAND. lol the kids had a blast. Trevor was using Bryan's boogie board and did AWESOME. Swim lessons have paid off... not that he knows how to swim... but bc he is really a lot more comfortable in the water. He kept falling off and going under, or getting knocked around by waves and going under or getting splashed right in his face and he handled it like a true champ!! :) Thank you YMCA for that. ;) & Speaking of that... Today is Trevor's last day of swimming lessons... he missed yesterday, unfortunately, but going to the beach more than made up for swimming lessons!!

I also had some good progress at the beach yesterday... I wore a bathing suit for the first time in NINE years. not just in public, but for the first time EVER in nine years. and you know what... it wasn't so bad. lol i didn't feel like a runway model in it... and i sure as hell didn't feel sexy or like a hot momma... but I also didn't feel like a HUGE fat cow or a beached whale... so it was a good day. :)

the girls warmed up to the water and ended up having a blast running in and out of the waves all day... which was nice. :) we also played in the sand some... which they LOVED... as a matter of fact Brooke brought more than half the beach home with her in her hair and on her body... even after rinsing off! lol

We had a great time! :) the only thing that sort of sucks... is bc of having so much fun and just really enjoying the day... I only took about 4 or 5 pictures. :( Which sucks. BUT is okay bc, that means that i really enjoyed the day and didn't spend it behind the camera... i experienced it all first hand in real life. :)

well the kids are just hanging out and that is kind of what i'm planning for today also, but i do have to empty the truck out from yesterday and while it's nice and sunny out, i think i'll hang out some laundry too! which means I have to wash some first. :)

peace love and sunshine!!

Prayers Please...

I'm only here for a minute to post that Crystal, a dear bloggy friend needs prayers for her BF's leg and ankle... I got some details from Jenn that he was in a motocross accident and has some healing to do... things aren't great but they are better after surgery... so please pray for him to recover and be okay... he still isn't out of the woods just yet...
thank you!
xo