Thursday, October 29, 2009

~thank God for a blog!

i'm sitting here with tears welling up in my eyes. i'm having a really rough day. ~ i was yelling all morning at the kids, and now have to go off to school instead of staying at their school and doing fun things with them, that i should be there for.

i thought i'd let them sleep in and i'd drive them to school instead of them taking the bus, which comes at 8 AM, not that early but we get up around 7 to get ready in time. ~ well first we couldn't find Lauren's lunch bag, then nobody wanted to wear what i had out for them, it was one fight after another, about everything. breakfast, what they wanted for lunch, clothes, brushing teeth, washing hands and faces, what shoes, putting shoes on, coats, everything. i'm drained. and the worst part is, i yelled pretty much all morning. how horrible. :( on the way to school i apologized and we fixed things, but still not a good morning for any of us, I'm sure.

then i take Trevor to school, he is okay and happy, and the girls are just miserable. they cried the entire way to the truck... i'm not even sure what they were fussing about. :( ~ but we get in the truck, put the music up, sing and dance and be silly, things are looking okay. we get to the school, they don't want to go. not even Brooke, who LOVES school and has NEVER not wanted to go... ugh. my heart is breaking. i get them out. they go in the school they are both really clingy. they are doing trunk-or-treating at their school today... i cant be there. i can't help out. can't decorate my truck and give candy, i can't even go with them... bc i have school. :( mommy guilt has set in BIG TIME. then they don't want to wear their costumes, or do anything. they just want to go home. :( i'm sure they are fine now, but still my heart is breaking.

sometimes, i have a really hard time with wondering if i'm making the right choices in my life, or even just making good choices. who knows what is right.... but we do know good from bad, right? school is good. i guess. it's taking a lot of time away from my family and mostly my kids. i feel it. i'm sure they feel it. who is it going to benefit? how will it benefit them? i'm stressed. i'm lost. i want to go get my kids from school, take them to lunch and chase them on the playground. i want to bring them home and make Halloween decorations and make cookies and watch movies all snuggled up together.

i miss my kiddies. ~ and i'm absolutely horrible for yelling all morning. :( that is probably the part that is killing me the most. guilt. i hope they are having a good day. i hope they aren't upset and feeling crummy. i hope they have today. making scarecrows, and trunk-or-treating. ~ i'll be counting down the minutes till i can go get them later. :)

for now, i'm going to go wash my face, try to get myself pulled together and then head off to school... is this the right choice??????????????????????????????????????????????????


LceeL said...

Oh, Jennifer, you are SUCH a good Mom. It's because you ARE that you feel like this. You're headed down the right path - you're doing all the right things. Don't doubt yourself or your choices. You are fine - you'll do fine - and they'll be fine.

The Pauline Goat Ranchers said...

Oh my gosh mommy guilt-its ok, its all normal.

Ok, ask yourself, if you weren't going to school would the kids still have had a bad morning of acting up ??? The answer is probably yes, b/c thats what kids do. It could be raining candy outside and kids are going to be kids-this is just amplified by the fact you are under a shit load of stress. YOU ARE DOING WHATS RIGHT, YOU ARE MAKING THE SACRIFICES NOW TO BETTER YOUR FAMILY AND ITS HARD and that is all normal...thats why its called sacrifice....I PROMISE you, your kids won't say to you "remember the Halloween of 09, my growth was stunted b/c you didn't come and paint your trunk for us." I promise! :)

Tonight just make some special time with your babies but for now kick ass in school and know that we are all praying you through this.

I don't mean to write a book but I want to tell you two quick stories:

Sam first started back school when Alex was a little turd about 6 ish and Sam told me years later that there were times he'd get to missing us so bad that he'd get teary eyed during the breaks. I knew at the time it was killing him being away from us and hearing stories of everything we were doing while Daddy was in school so I sat down one evening with Alex and we took pics of us and put them on the inside of every three ring binder Sam had! Sam loved it, to this day he still has them and has used them every semester of his schooling. They are worn slap out! It helps. Take with you the latest drawing or snap shot of a zoo visit, for example.

I too have had mommy guilt SO bad that I just sat on the couch and cried my eyes out and wanted to go to school and pick up Alex right then and there and take him home. Sam being the loving hubby he is, said, "Honey, please don't be offended but he probably forgot us the moment he walked into school and saw one of his friends..thats just how kids'll see him soon and he'll tell you how he missed you ALLLL day!" and he was right :)

Just bare with it, it will get better. Try to find you a stress reliever during the REALLY stressful time like midterms and such i.e. sex or chocolate , mmm, hmm works wonders! An afternoon delight with the hubby can do wonders!!! I think it helps you regroup :D, LOL!

Just know your not alone and it will pass but stay focused and try to make the most of it! It will go by so quickly and you'll be finished. Your schooling is just here for a split second in the grand scheme of things!!

Many hugs,
Missy :)

PS again so sorry for the book!

The Pauline Goat Ranchers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Pauline Goat Ranchers said...

I posted twice sorry :D

jenn said...

Yeah, what Missy said! lol!


This Guy said...

Breath over there Mama! Mommy guilts are totally normal. Don't fret too much, and I'm going to be 100% honest here; yelling is totally normal. It a tool of expression, everyone uses it, especially when someone is frustrated or things aren't working out they way we think they should. My mom yelled at us growing up (I was usually setting something on fire, or hitting my sister tho) - its totally normal. TOTALLY normal. Your kids aren't going to ever hold it against you, quite the opposit really... Once they get a little bit older and realize how much stress and pressure you were under with school and raising a family they will understand and be so thankful and honoured that you are doing everything you can to enrich your and their lives.

School is the right choice. I wish I would have finished my degree. You are totally headed in the direction where you need to be. If school was the wrong direction for you, you simply wouldnt be on this path. Trust in the universe, go with your gut instincts. Short term pain, long term gain...

Come vent here anytime you need too. Hope you had an amazing time with the kiddies, I am sure they have forgotten all about the yelling now, that kinda just slips away and only the "cool mom" memories become the strongest, trust me ;)

Bret xoxo

Anonymous said...
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Jennifer said...

~ thank you all so much. this is more of the reason why i love blogging... AWESOME friends like you guys!! :) of course venting is also a plus, but knowing that i'm not being the worst mommy in the world is also really nice. i've been feeling a lot better lately about school and the kdis, of course they all have the flu and have been home so i'm getting a lot more time with them, which is always nice, the time not the flu... and soon we are off for thanksgiving and christmas and all that. so enjoying this time w/ them.
thank you all again.
LOVE you all!!

Anonymous said...

ok that's fine, i just brought even more fresh emo backgrounds to my blog

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