I know, I'm sorry! Lately my blog has been soooo freakin' boring!! I can barely stand to proof read before I post them lately... and honestly half the time I don't proof read them.
I guess I have gotten a little bit lazy with trying to come up with something rather interesting to post about and also with the NaBloPoMo thing I have been just trying to get anything on here to keep with posting every day for the month of November... which is thankfully coming to an end. But, I did get this interesting and very FUNNY email from my mom this morning and I really thought this would make a GREAT post!! Although not my work or words, still extremely entertaining and actually worth reading!! ;o)
So here it is for your reading pleasure and pure entertainment...
(drum roll please!)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal. The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... the WAX. Read on...
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I think had the thought that I would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet'.
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of the those "cold-wax" kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm, and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or where ever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK??)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It is just two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold-wax ~ yeah right) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back in the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!
I'm blind!!!! Blinded from PAIN!!!!!!
Oh my GAWD!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I have only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPPP!!!
Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out... must stay conscious... must stay conscious.... Do I hear crashing drums??
Breath, breath. Okay, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy, a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hair pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it!
Where is the hair????
WHERE IS THE WAX??????
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! I touch. I'm touching wax! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake, remember my foot was still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
My butt is sealed shut.
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please, don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??
*WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub, the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment ~ I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold-wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I have cemented myself to the porcelain!!!
God bless the man who convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking she has surely waxed before and has some secret of how to get to get me undone!
It's a very good conversation starter.... "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together and to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She is laughing out loud by now.... I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests that I call the number on the side of the box. Yeah RIGHT!!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, and dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic-Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking to me when I see my saving grace... the lotion they give to you to remove the excess wax!
What do I really have to loose at this point??
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids up and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooooo painful, but I really don't care.
It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it all off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try Hair Color...