Saturday, January 26, 2008

@^#*&#^%# #*#&&$(*(# #$(*&#$#

Cursing overload happening in my head today!! Damn has it been a hard freakin' morning!! UH! It didn't start off too bad, but it started earlier than it really needed to, or I had wanted it to!! I was up off and on all night long, for whatever reason. Then I was up at 6:40 AM something, hearing Zoe complain... then I was up a little after 7 AM then I was and out of bed around 7:30 AM. I did a few things around the house and talked to my mom, we were carpooling to go grocery shopping. (aka, our truck is too much of a gas guzzler to drive to PA to shop). Plans flip flopped a little bit with that, but it ended up okay. We had a nice time. I took Brooke last week so this week I took Lauren, and the next time we go I'll take Trevor. Trying to give them all some one on one time. Although Brooke takes me leaving her the hardest!! She has to ask me a million times if I'm coming back! Haven't I always? I ask her. It breaks my heart, but Bryan tells me she is fine the entire time I'm gone. (thankfully)
I got home and was feeling a little bit drained and tired... and that is when all hell broke loose... and I mean ALL of HELL!! Uh! Brooke was fussing and crying and screaming and being a whingy little turd, and Lauren was being okay... but not really listening too well... but still okay. Trevor was being LOUD and aggressive and crazy and LOUD and AGGRESSIVE and NOT listening AT ALL!! UHHHHHH!! I had enough!! I have been having enough. I have enough that even if they NEVER act like that again I will have enough!!
For whatever reason I have ZERO patients lately!! I mean the minute the shit starts, I just loose it. I feel so frustrated and anxious inside... I get an instant headache, I start yelling and threatening them, I just can NOT handle this kind of loud, ridiculous, chaos, crying, whining, bullying SHIT!!! I CANNOT!! And I tell them all this... and they just don't give a flying fuck... or really what I think in my rational mind is that they are too little to get it!! They just don't understand that Mommy is loosing her shit and going off the freakin' deep end QUICK!!! I don't really expect them to understand... I mean really... they are 4 and 2... they shouldn't have to understand... they shouldn't have to deal with it all. I have to try to get it. I have to try to understand what is making me FLIP the fuck out and get it under control. It is almost like constant 24/7 PMSing... that I have little to no control over. Like I have some outrageous hormone surge that is making me not be able to deal with ANY, none what-so-ever stress or chaos or craziness at all. I am reallying hating this about myself lately!!
I want to restore peace and happiness to my home. I want to have nice conversations with my children and speak to them and have them reply and/or listen to me, without having to say it 4 times and then shouting at them. I want to have order and enjoy them again. Of course, I love them to pieces, but it has been hell here for the last few weeks. Something has to give. I know it is ME!! I know they are only kids, and I know they are reacting from my stress and my level of tolerance, and how I react to them, and the situations happening around us... I know that I'm the main problem. I have to work on this.
I think I'm going to maybe make a behavioral/chore chart for my son... and also for ME! ha!! I want to make sure that I'm on my best behavior and doing what I'm supposed to be doing as well. Lead by example!!

Plus, I'm really disappointed b/c I did good all last night and today with not cursing and then just blew it when they were all screaming and being crazy and fighting w/ each other.. and I'm making excuses now... but anyway... I blew it. There was no reason at all to curse, and I did. I was pissed off, and annoyed, but NO reason to curse. So here I go again... starting over with NO cursing!!

Wish me luck... I need it. :)
~frustrated (mostly with myself) Mom of 3!


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