Friday, April 4, 2008

Anything...

I only have a few minutes to type this... and trust me it isn't going to be anything great. :( I'm totally having a pity party for myself and really wish I could feel better right now. About something... or anything, really.

I just feel like I'm stuck. Stuck in the same routine, the same lifestyle the same every day shit... that I have been in since before I had my son and started staying home.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a SAHM... I do. And when I say I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, well that is partially true. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the realistic world. But, the fairytale world, that I sometimes wish I could really live in, I would trade being a SAHM for something like having the best of both worlds. Like I could stay home with my children, give them the love, nurture, comfort, structure, support, routine etc. of being a SAHM and get to cherish every. single. minute of their lives and watch them grow and learn and flourish... and at the same time have an actual REAL live life for myself. Like work and have friends and have something to talk about other than how much I cleaned my house. I would get up every day and actually get dressed and brush my hair... things that I honestly don't always do during the week. (sad, I know) I would have more of a purpose in life than just washing laundry and dishes, and cleaning the house and changing pampers, and wiping tooshies and giving baths... I mean of course there is always the hugs, kisses and tucking them in at night... and I do love doing all these things. Well.... maybe not the house work part... but all the others are pretty wonderful... and a fairytale in their own.

I miss having a REAL job, and a paycheck and this isn't even about monetary things, just about me having something... I can't put my finger on it... I guess it would me having a part of me that is really that... me... myself. Not as Mommy or as a wife, but as Jennifer...

And being a SAHM was my choice... actually my dream. As soon as I got pregnant, well even before that I always knew that I wanted to stay home with my babies. There was no way I could have ever left them at a daycare. I still don't think I could leave Brooke & Lauren, and we all know I have issues with leaving Trevor at pre-school, although that is getting much better now that I know he is having a good time there.

I guess I just feel like being Jennifer and having a life for me stopped the minute I started staying home and I'm really starting to feel the affects of it all lately. And, I guess a big part of why I feel so bad about it all, is because I really feel very guilty for missing things from before my children, missing the life I had. Although, it isn't that I'm wishing for my life back with out children, I'm just wishing for some of my life back, like Independence and something that is just ME!

Selfish. I know. And I'm sure that one day I will be working full time again and missing these days so dearly. I know I will. Time is going fast and I know before long I will be back at work and my kids will all be older and in school and they won't need me as much, and that will hurt too. I guess I just want everything.

Well I guess I'll con't on with my day here, I have to get Trevor dressed for school and still make his lunch... then I suppose I should brush my hair and get out of my bathrobe and actually get dressed....

Thanks for reading...

14 comments:

jenn said...

OH, I think that no matter what, or where, we are currently in our lives, there will always be something else we feel we should have, or be doing. The key is to find the right balance. Being selfish is not necesarily a bad thing sometimes. You need you time, and you need to be your own person, aside from being "mom" all the time.

(((hugs)))

Crystal said...

I whole heartedly agree with what Jenn said. If we are what everyone else around us needs us to be, we lose our "self" in the process. Make sense?

You have forgotten to take care of your needs and wants, however selfish they may be. And you ARE intitled to feel that way.

Find something you enjoy doing. A hobby. Or even try something new. With the weather getting warmer, get out of the house more. Join a gym. Most gyms even have childcare. I know Gold's Gym does. Call your community center and see if they have like a mommy's day out type thing. There are so many options for you if you don't want to go back to work.

Chin up sweet, this is only temporary;o)

frangela said...

Oh, Jenn! I am so sorry to hear you feel this way. I do, however, think it's perfectly normal! As I have 98 days until I begin my journey as a SAHM, these anxieties are already popping in my head. Is it bad that I am anticipating it? Like Crystal mentioned I have been making alist of things that I would be interested in doing: hobbies or events or taking up karate or something. I haven't picked my "thing" yet, but I hope to soon. The idea of having just a little time to myself seems to alleviate my worries a bit. I know I will be turning to you for inspiration!

Hugs!
Angela

Stephanie said...

I think thats how most of us SAHMs feel. I don't get dressed most days, unless I actually have to pick my kids up. WHen I take them in the morning Sophia, Delilah, and I are usually in our PJ's. I at least get the younger girls dressed every day, but I usually shower and put PJ's back on.

It took me years to get used to not doing anything. But I never had a "real" job before becoming a mommy as I was only 19, so it is probably harder for you. But just try and "keep your chin up" and remember that it will be over before you know it and you will miss it like crazy.

Feel better soon! Spring is here, sort of, things have to get better now. :)

Sandy C. said...

Jen, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. But trust me when I say that you are not alone. I struggle with this every.single.day. Having a career for 7 years and living on my own paycheck, and then transitioning to living on someone else's income and never having adult conversation has been a constant struggle. I know what you mean about having "having something." I think it's hard for moms now that so many are working outside the home, and fewer staying at home. Sometimes I feel "left out" in a sense too. It's a constant struggle. But you are doing the most important job in the world right now by being there for your babies during the some of the most influential years of their lives. Soon the girls will be in preschool, and Trevor in elementary school, and maybe you can find part-time work to get some adult interaction. Either way, I'm sending big *hugs* today. Just remember you're an amazing mommy no matter what :)

clickmom said...

Jennifer, I remember when my kids were little and I was feeling that same loss of identity and then I realized that I had done all these little things that did not take me away from my full time mother role, but had forged a kind a volunteer resume for me. I had been a volunteer reader at the public library (mom's of kids in my group still approach me with fond memories) I had been on the year book committee at one of my kids school. And I had, with three other mothers, applied for and recieved a grant to start an art history program which I then went on to create and run for five years.

Believe me once your kids are in school a bit more there will be time for you start exploring new territory or even discover a new career.

Just like we think it will be forever between all those developmental steps, it will pass in a heart beat and you'll be on to the next phase. Take a deep breath, relax, and rest assured that you will rediscover yourself and it isn't all that far off.

Lindsey said...

DITTO! DITTO! AND DITTO!

I miss me a little. I guess there is plenty of time for me in a few years.

Lindsey said...

Oh and I do think it is worth it:)

Jules said...

I think that every SAHM is a god-send. No paycheck and no status at work can ever take your place in your kiddies lives.

I think that SAHM perform the greatest service of all to the world. People who stay home and raise their babies have a better chance of raising good kids to be decent citizens, who themselves can then go out and do wonderful things in the world.

So even though some days/hours/ minutes at home might get you down,just remember that you are a treasure and you are doing a wonderful and glorious thing for your family.

LaskiGal said...

No one can understand what being a SAHM is except other SAHMs. I firmly believe that.

"I miss having a REAL job, and a paycheck and this isn't even about monetary things, just about me having something... " Only 8 months in as a SAHM and I totally get this . . .

Sandy said it so well . . . you are not alone. Be sure to find something that is you and you alone . . . find the balance.

And no worries about being selfish. You have to be a little--taking care of you is the only way you can take care of them! You clearly are a GREAT mom!

Sally said...

Thanks so much for your comments this morning! Now I understand about the yippee; having time for yourself this morning. :)

After reading this post, I can see how very busy you are! My goodness gracious. But, even on days when you're feeling loss of "yourself", remember you're doing the very MOST important job in the world. But, yes, as the others have said, you do need your time! Take it from a grandma, and great grannie to a 2 year old, time flies by so much faster than we can even imagine! It will only seems likes days when in actuality it's been years. Hang in there! I'll be back to see how you're doing! (HUGS)

HRH said...

Just remember that some days/weeks/months/the first year is about survival. Just getting everyone to the end of the day in a state of ALIVE. Other days/weeks/months/later years are more about enrichment and fun. Think of this during those survival days because it will help you look forward to the fun enrichment ones.

Marlee said...

You're not being selfish, you're being NORMAL!!! :) I think these same things almost every day.I heard a song on the radio the other day that made me cry: "You're Gonna Miss This", I think it's by Trace Atkins (sp?) I'm going to download it and play it to myself every time I start feeling this way!!! {{Hugs}} to you! :)

Jill Leigh said...

It's gotta be hard being with the kids and the puppy all day long. I know from personal experience that you have AMAZING kids, and that is because you're such a wonderful, caring, loving mother...but it's gotta get boring doing the ame old thing. Just know, that no matter how redundant your routine may seem, you have 3 beautiful, smart, wonderful children who love you very much!! And an amazing friend named Jill who will come wisk u away for girl time anytime you need it!!! I love you.mwa

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