Sadness...

~What makes you reflect on your life? What makes you really sit back and examine all that you have and all that is of significant value to you. Not monetary value, but true life value. To me, the most valuable things in my life, aren't things at all. They are people. Those people are my children, my husband, my parents, my brothers, my in-laws (you all know the ones I mean) my nieces and nephews and my friends.

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~I always am wrapped up in every day life, and living it just to get by. Sure I love my life, my family and friends, but I don't always sit back and really take it all in.

I am wealthy because I have it all, I have a wonderful family. One that supports me and loves me for who I am. The take the good with the bad, the bitch with the mood swings. I'm blessed. I am in WONDERFUL health. I have no major illness and haven't ever had any either. I have never been hospitalized except when I had my children. I have my vision, my hearing and most of all my sense of humor. I am blessed.

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~I have three beautiful children, and I do mean beautiful. They are gorgeous inside and out. They are loving, affectionate, passionate, smart, caring, funny, sharing, giving, generous and just all around amazing and wonderful. None of them have ever been ill. Sure we have had some common things, like colds and stomach bugs, but that is pretty much it. Both girls have NEVER had ear infections... knock on wood, and Trevor only had the beginning stages of one when he was under one year old. They have never had one single problem in life. They are 100% perfect, in every sense of the word. They are energetic and they play and run and do everything together. They love one another. They are healthy and growing like flowers. I'm truly blessed.

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~I have a wonderful husband, whose head would swell at reading that, but I have to admit it is true. He is pretty darn wonderful. He puts up with me and my bitchiness and my truck driver mouth... and my mood swings and my nagging. He is good to me and our children. He works every day, very hard, to be able to support our family so I can stay home and raise our children. He helps me cook and clean... he even does dishes, laundry and vacuums. He is a great daddy to our children and just an all around good guy. I'm really lucky to have him in my life. I am blessed.

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~I have wonderful parents who, still, love and support me in everything I do in life. They love my family and do whatever they can to help us out in any way. They are the most caring, loving and generous people I have ever known in my life. They are that way to anyone they know, not just us. :) I am blessed.

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~I also happen to have the worlds greatest friends. You know the kind, the ones that are ALWAYS there for you, no matter what. The kind that offer a shoulder and an ear. That are always there to support you even if it is one of the stupidest things you have every in your entire life thought of doing... they tell ya that, but then are right there beside you helping you every step of the way. They want your dreams for you as much as you want them yourself and they try everything in their power to make that happen... as I'm typing this I realize this isn't just my friends that are this way... this is how my husband and my parents are too... I have this enormous, wonderful support team with me all the time, every second of every day... always there. Breathing the same air I breath and walking this same journey through life. Some of them are only 20 minutes away and some are an hour and 20 minutes away, but I still feel them right beside me all the time. Every. Single. Step. I'm never alone and I'm always loved. I AM truly blessed.

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~The things that always make me take a look at life like this... for what I really have and what my true treasures are... are when people pass away. It always brings me right back to reality and quickly too. It always gives me focus to see what I really have and that I need and want for nothing. Of course there are the monetary things... the house, the car, the dreams, but those things I can live without... those things haven't made me who I am, and they won't change who I'll be. They are simply that... things.

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~In the last few days, my camera took a crap, my fridge quit, my sugar glider died, my nephew's cat died, my friend, Jenn's cat died... and those are all set backs. The animals are truly sad and are going to be missed. But there is worse news. Much worse.

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~My landlord's, who aren't just ever day run of the mill kind of land lords, they are family friends, they are loving, caring, giving, generous people, they have been so good to Bryan and I and my family I can't even begin to tell you. They are good people. Very good people. Well on Sunday they found out that their 38 year old son died. He left behind his parents, his wife and two young daughters, his brother and sister and other nieces and nephews. This is horrible. I am just so upset about this. I'm so sad for the family and those two little girls.

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~Then today I talked to Alyssa, and I found out that her uncle, only 49 years old, died unexpectedly yesterday. I am so sad for her and her family. I can't imagine what they are all going through. I offer her any support and help she can use. I offer her my shoulder any time she needs to cry or vent or for anything. I send my condolences to her family. I'm in shock that this happened to her family.

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~Tonight I talked to my mom, and she said that my aunt had called to tell her that a man that has lived in our neighborhood, well longer than we have, passed away. An acquaintance/friend of my parents. I'm very upset.

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~This is a lot to deal with. To try to understand. Three people in three days. I'm afraid for tomorrow to come. I'm afraid to hear what it will bring. This is a horrible streak of bad luck, if you can even call it bad luck. I feel it way more than that. Worse than bad luck.

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~There are other things going on as well in our personal lives, Bryan's job is taking away a major perk of them having work vehicles to drive to and from work. Something that we really were grateful for and relied in immensely. We will now have to buy a car for him to drive to and from work and also figure out insurance money and gas money and all that, while we are hoping to be moving and fixing up an entire house, which we haven't heard any new news on. Still waiting on contracts! We live in NY and the owner lives in CO... he was supposed to email them to our realtor Monday, but she hasn't heard from them.

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~Anyway... this is all nothing. Thank goodness we have our health and one another. I just pray that tomorrow is a new fresh day!

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~I do have some good news, the lady that does my nails, her assistant, another Jennifer, had her baby girl on Monday... on Trevor's birthday. See God does delivery great miracles too!

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~Here is to tomorrow being a lot better!!

CHEERS!

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~PS please say a prayer for all the families that have experienced a loss this week, please keep them in your thoughts. thank you.

Is It Wrong???

Is is wrong to think and worry that every. single. person. may do harm to your children? I said may. I'm not accusing the entire world of being pedophiles or anything like that. But, seriously I get the most uneasy feeling when certain people are near my children or playing with my children.

It cannot be that all these people really have issues, can it?? It must be me. But, I can't take that chance. What sucks is that I get it a lot. "it" being the feeling that someone is being too friendly with my children, or they just creep me out in some way, and then that is it. I no longer trust them what-so-ever with my children. I don't want them to play with them, touch them in any manner, talk to them, or be in the same area as them.

This can cause some awkwardness because I'm not shy about these feelings. I usually don't come right out and tell the person what I think of them, well not yet at least. BUT I will NOT leave my children alone with them for even a split second, I make sure that I deter my children from playing with them or near them, I don't usually communicate with them much after I get that feeling. The reason I'm so passionate about it and that I really don't care who notices or knows my feelings is because I cannot and will NOT take the chance of someone doing something to my children. I couldn't image what that would be like for them, and I refuse to take any chances with it.

Just now, the kids were outside playing so nicely on the swing set... they were all in the bottom in the "club house" part... having a really nice time, and getting along so well. the girls are in their undies, b/c they were in the kiddy pool and Trevor is fully dressed, shirt and shorts. I know they were playing so nicely b/c I was outside taking laundry off the line and putting another load out. I usually allow them to be outside even if I'm not going to stay out there because I'm in and out and CONSTANTLY checking on them, and they don't usually stay out there too long with out someone coming in for a drink, potty, to see what I'm doing, to have me come watch some trick they can do, or to tattle. ONLY this time there is someone weed whacking by the horse pasture, which is the neighboring property to us. I don't know who it is, and I really don't care, but I just had a feeling like this person could maybe take one of my children or lure all three of them off with him... so that was that... I made them all come in the house... until I can go back out with them. They were hot and sandy so they were pretty happy to come inside and have some ice tea and popcorn anyway...

But do you all think there is something wrong with me?? OR is this normal parent behavior. Please be honest.

* this goes a lot deeper with my thoughts and fears for my children, but it would take way to long to type it all out... especially for today... maybe another day I will go deeper with it.

I remember

I remember how exactly how I felt while waiting in the HOT sun to go on Medusa... it was a long wait too, and to be honest with ya'll (and myself) I'm sooooooo, so, so, so very surprised that I didn't chicken out at the end... but for some reason the fact that Bryan said that he KNEW I wouldn't really do it, made me need to prove to him that I would. I wouldn't go with him though I needed to go with the girls!! You know... MY girls... the ones that stood there reassuring me that everything would be okay, and that I would NOT, in fact, die on the ride let alone hate it. They were the ones that were comforting and supportive but not at all pushy. They were also the ones that didn't mind, at all, as I teared up getting into the seat of my first coaster ride, and were the ones that let me hold their hands as tight as I needed to for the, um, entire ride. :) They were also the ones that got the first smile and big hug when we got off and I decided that I LOVED it. They were right. :) I was okay.

But, I remember how long that line felt, when we first got on it... then I remember how quick it seemed to go when it was our turn to step up the the gate and then get on the ride... ugh. I could have thrown up right then and there... I was so scared and nervous that my body was one big tight knot. I had a headache and some muscle soreness after the ride from being so tense. I just couldn't wait for it to all be over with.

Then the relief as it started, and I really was okay... but I was still anticipating something horrible to happen... some really bad feeling to come over me and make me hate this entire experience... make all my stress and worries come true.... then finally in less than 3 minutes I was put out of my misery... it was fun, a blast I would even say, I did great... I laughed and smiled and LOVED it all and would have done it again, except for that long ass line.

I'm sure this is the feelings, or similar to the ones that my mom is feeling.... she is scared. I can only imagine... I'm scared for her too. I just got home from her house a little while ago... I had her laughing some, so maybe she will think of some of the dumb/stupid/funny and ridiculous things I said while there, tonight when she can't sleep... and keep her mind slightly off of her surgery tomorrow, which they moved up to her being there at 7am... which is better. I highly doubt she will sleep tonight anyway... she doesn't sleep on a good night, let alone the night before her surgery.

My stomach isn't very happy today either... I guess I am more stressed then I was letting myself believe I was. I know in my heart that things will go just fine... my mom is a healthy person, she isn't on any medications at all. Her BP is good, her cholesterol is good, everything is fine with her... except this... and this will be fine after tomorrows surgery too. It is just getting from tonight till tomorrow in the recovery room.

I'm not sure how much I will sleep tonight and how I will be able to just sit around tomorrow waiting for a phone call to say that she is out of surgery and doing great. I'm going to be one big raw nerve... worse than waiting online for that damn roller coaster.

I'm off to fold some laundry and worry some more.